If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
