Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
