after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
