she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
