I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
