If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
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He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
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The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today