Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin