Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Your cock deserves a montage
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits