did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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