OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I wish I only lived at night.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
