So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
found the other keg... it's in the tree
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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