went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
