chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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