she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
