I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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