I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
