Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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