I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
