You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
