do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
