I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
