That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
