she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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