Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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