using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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