Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
