I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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