a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
