DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
