God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
We are two peas in an std pod
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize