I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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