dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
