I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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