I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
