I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
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I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
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Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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