just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
