who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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