I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
