why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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