I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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