my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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