I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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