That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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