When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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