seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
