Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
