I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
