i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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