so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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