Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
