Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
