Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
