Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
