there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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