The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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